Atlanta. What?...Seriously?...Atlanta?! That's the best she could come up with? This is the same city that brought us the Olympic games bombing, John Rocker, and the ghetto-fab version of The Real Housewives of Orange County. There was a reason Sherman torched the place.
So when the time came, we piled our little Rugrats into the SUV and made the 6-7 hour drive to Atlanta. The Wife booked the Marriott Hotel and Conference Center in Buckhead mainly because it is located next to the ritzy malls. The hotel looked really nice, but it was way too noisy for a hotel of its caliber. During our stay, we were awakened several times at 5 AM by the beeping noises of delivery trucks. Additionally, the super-suction toilets were so loud that you heard a loud flushing whenever the people above us used the bathroom. After the fifth loud flush in the middle of the night, I was tempted to discreetly leave a box of Detrol samples outside their door.
*****
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Our first stop the next morning was the CNN Center located near Olympic Park. I was hoping for something akin to those ESPN commercials—anchors mingling with sports superstars or team mascots around the studio. Nope. No Anderson Cooper or Wolf Blitzer lurking in the halls. No world leaders waiting in line in the cafeteria. Even Sanjay Gupta avoids us little people by taping his shows in the middle of the night when the area is closed to the public. It is merely a studio with fairly anonymous people reading news off of a teleprompter.
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| THIS...is CNN. |
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| It's hard to surf for porn when all the tourists can also see your monitor. |
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| Uh Oh! I think I crapped myself! |
They also had some petting tanks that were pretty cool. The stingrays have their tails clipped, so they can't go Steve Irwin on the little kids. There are also some small toothless sharks, starfish, sea urchins, hermit crabs, and large sea anemones. The Girl was such a wuss that she refused to touch any of the critters.
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| The petting tanks were great for kids and adults alike. |
She enjoyed the dolphin show much more. These orca wannabes and their trainers performed some cool stunts, but the attempt at a "plot" for this musical was inane and pointless. It revolved around some captain who tries to raise his ship that had earlier been sunken by the evil sea monster forces. Shouldn't he have gone down with the ship in the first place? Frankly, the folks at the Georgia Aquarium should just fork over some cash to DC Comics for the rights for an Aquaman musical. He's a natural fit for the water theme. Plus he wears an orange and green costume flamboyant enough for the stage. And he too can perform similar stunts like riding upon the backs of two dolphins.
The rest of the Georgia Aquarium is similar to those found in Baltimore, New Orleans, and even Sea World. There's the obligatory tropical waters exhibit containing colorful fish and corals that can also be found in home salt water tanks. There's also sections with local freshwater animals, polar animals, and various frogs from around the globe. These are all well done exhibits with cool fish and wildlife. If this is the only aquarium that you ever visit in your lifetime, you should be set. However, they are still a couple of coelacanths short of being the perfect aquarium.
In the adjacent property is the World of Coca-Cola, a celebration of the drink that has been fattening up kids since 1886. In our tour group, there were visitors that had traveled as far away as Belgium, Switzerland, and Taiwan, their presence underscoring the popularity of the beverage worldwide. I'm not sure if the tour is supposed to be entertainment or advertisement. I guess the joke is that Coca-Cola's recipe is such a safely guarded secret. But I don't think anybody really cares, so it's not amusing. Personally, I'd rather find out the Colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices.
The Wife had been here 15 years earlier (before they had moved to their current location), but they have added many more exhibits since then. Sadly, they just don’t add much to the experience. There was a “Kinect”-like game that had zero entertainment value. At one point, visitors had to pointlessly throw boxes out of a train door using the poor motion-detection technology. How is that fun? They also had a functioning Coke bottling plant. Unfortunately, industrial assembly lines are not quite as fascinating as How It’s Made makes it seem.
The most disappointing offering is the 4-D movie. The story about some mad scientist, his assistant, and a weasel searching (once again) for the secrets of coke is really lame. The chairs shake you so hard that it can knock the 3-D glasses right off your head. Within the first couple of seconds, The Girl was so scared of her seat that she refused to sit down for the remainder of the show. Nevertheless, for the Coke fan-boys, this place is heaven for all the memorabilia and artwork they had from around the world.
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| Artistic Coke bottles from the 1996 Atlanta Olympic Games displayed themes from different countries. |
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| This early piece was used to store the Coke syrup that was then mixed with soda water. Then again, maybe it was just used as a chamber pot. |
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| Two abominations of the 1980's--New Coke and Max Headroom |
We did save the best part of the tour for the end--the tasting room that dispenses Coca-Cola products from around the world. Most of the drinks from South America and Asia were spot on in flavor and were really quite good. The varieties from Africa tasted odd and several from Europe were just downright nasty.
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| When travelling abroad, why consume the local beverage when you can have an artificially-flavored, odd-tasting, and obesity-inducing soda produced by a foreign multinational corporation? |
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| Beverly is Italian for piss. |
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| This normal-sized vending machine can dispense 100 different favors of Coke products with the touch of a few buttons! |
Even by taking only small sips, we tried so many favors that we were disgustingly bloated when we left. The gift shop at the end of the tour contains all sorts of Coke apparel and merchandise. There were giant Coca-Cola Halloween costumes, Coke flip flops, and even Coke-scented T-shirts. The only thing they were lacking were Cherry Coke-flavored edible panties.
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| Have a Coke and a smile! |
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| Visitors are given a free souvenir of coke on the way out. |
We ended the day shopping at IKEA, which I’m pretty sure is Swedish for Target. Sure their stuff maybe of crappy quality, but at least it looks good. Furthermore, you can feed a family of four a bunch of Swedish meatballs and ligonberries for only about $20. And besides, it's probably one of the few places in Atlanta where you can buy Pepsi products like Mountain Dew.
*****
Friday, October 5, 2012
I have been a huge Atlanta Braves baseball fan for the past 22 years (the Mark Lemke Era). So it was awesome to finally be able to catch them for a home game. (Previously I had only seen them on the road surrounded by hostile crowds). But this wouldn't be just any ordinary game. It would be the very first Wild Card game for the new winner-takes-all B.S. format. It would also be the first MLB game for The Kids and possibly the last for Chipper Jones in his 19 year Hall of Fame career.
We had a couple of hours to kill before the game so we headed over to the nearby Phipps Plaza. After The Wife did her obligatory shopping, we brought the kids to the Lego Discovery Center on the third floor of the mall. They have two rides that are friendly for the smallest of kids. There is also a 4-D movie that is much better executed than the one Coke had the day before. There's also a tiny obstacle course but The Boy and The Girl were not allowed in with neither shoes nor bare feet. It would have been nice to know beforehand that they require socks. And that’s about it. Really nothing else. The kids enjoyed playing with some of the building block stations, but I don't think it is worth the steep price of admission.
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| There's only a few things to do at the Lego Discovery Center. |
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| Lego Turner Field |
We had figured that taking the MARTA subway and then jumping on the Braves Shuttle would be easy enough. We left almost 2 hours early for the 5 PM start time thinking we would have at least 30-45 minutes to look around the stadium and check out all the sights there. Boy, were we so wrong. Apparently, everybody else must have had the same idea. The line for the shuttle took so long that we actually just made it into the stadium mere moments before they threw out the first pitch.
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| The queue for the Braves shuttle extended through Underground Atlanta. |
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| All those pennants, yet only one world series victory. |
We had purchased off of StubHub some overpriced seats 3 rows up from the right field fence. However, they were in the perfect position when Jason Heyworth, the Brave’s right fielder made an incredible leaping catch to rob the Cardinals of a home run. He made the catch just a few feet away directly in front of our seats. It was an awesome play and a completely unforgettable experience for all the fans who were so close to see it. Unfortunately, I was not one of them because I was inside the concourse standing in the slowest beer line in the world. Turner Field must employ some of the laziest people because the guy at the concession stand literally took 5 minutes to pour each cup of beer. Everybody in line was so exasperated with his slowness, that they started heckling him to speed it up. Of course, I think that just made him go even slower. I was STILL in line at the bottom of the inning when the biggest highlight for the Braves happened--a two run homer by backup catcher David Ross to give the home team the lead. I ended up ordering the maximum number of beers just to make the long wait worth the effort.
Sadly, by the time I got my beers and returned to my seat, it was all downhill for my favorite team. Error after error after error by their three worst defensive players led to a 6-2 St. Louis lead. A play that scored two runs for the Braves was erased for a "running inside the base path" violation. The frustration from the home team fans was evident. But like loyal fans, everybody kept cheering on the Braves and doing the tomahawk chop. That was great for my two kids and The Wife (who could care less about any sport) because it gave them something to do besides listen to me yell out expletives.
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| The Boy and I chopping away. |
Then the infamous "pop fly heard ‘round the world" occurred. With two men on and one man out, Braves shortstop Andrelton Simmons hit a towering fly ball into mid left field. There was cursing and moaning all around me as everybody knew that this would likely be caught by the outfielder. When the ball somehow dropped between him and the shortstop, everybody went completely nuts. The bases were loaded and Brian McCann, one of the Braves' most dangerous hitters would now be at bat. But all the exuberance was suddenly turned into rage when everybody realized that the umps had made an incredibly insane call. They invoked the infield fly rule when the ball landed 40-50 feet out into left field. The runner was ruled out, and the chance of rallying to erase a three run deficit and save the season was all but over. That was the tipping point for the home team fans. Booing and calls of “B_llsh_t” and “Replacement Refs” drowned out all other sounds.
The first object I saw flying was a full cup of soda--ice and all--along the right field corner. What a horrible deed! That soda probably costs $5. Then all sorts of debris (mostly empty plastic bottles and snack bags) came raining down...and raining down...and raining down. The poor grounds crew would pick up a bottle or two and five more would land back in the place they just cleared. It's a good thing that Turner Field prohibits metal cans or glass bottles, so mostly everything was fairly harmless. THUMP!! Something huge landed with a thunderous noise on the fence slightly off to our right. Apparently, some idiot with a weak-ass arm tossed a shoe that didn't quite make it onto the field. Fortunately, it missed the folks in the first row.
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| @#!%@!% infield fly rule! |
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| Somewhere out there is a noodle-armed Braves fan walking around barefooted. |
At that point, The Boy, not quite understanding what was going on, grabbed one of our empty water bottles, walked right passed the ushers who were looking upwards for flying objects, and tossed it over the railing. I found this simultaneously hilarious and horrifying. I didn't want us to get kicked out, and I didn't want him to think that that action was okay. However, he did get to do what me and all the other angry Braves fan wanted to do. Afterwards, I ended up having a long talk with The Boy about what is not acceptable behavior at a baseball game.
Eventually the game resumed and the Braves lost. In a way, you can say that Chipper Jones retired on his own terms. He was still putting up quality numbers good enough to be on a MLB roster for next year. And ultimately, the end of his last game, season, and career was essentially decided on his fielding error that led to three runs, the difference in the game.
As horrific as the umpires' calls were, the MARTA system was just as bad. Everybody crowded together in a giant mass of bodies fighting to gain entry inside the buses shuttling folks from the stadium to the subway. It was like the Fall of Saigon Part 2. There was no semblance of authority directing an orderly evacuation. This crazy mob of people pushing and shoving each other was definitely not a place to bring your kids. Luckily, a nice lady helped us fight our way onto the shuttle bus. She screamed "I'm a mother! I have kids too!" as she kneed and elbowed people in our way
When we finally made it back to the hotel, I asked The Boy if he enjoyed the game. "Yes, except for the parts were you kept getting angry and yelling bad words," he responded. Hmmm...maybe I shouldn't have drank all of those beers. Maybe I should have just thrown them on the field.
*****
Saturday, October 6, 2012
The day started with a splurge at the REI store to stock up on gear that we would need on our trip to Tanzania next year. Then off we went to Stone Mountain, an Atlanta institution. It's a gigantic, free-standing rock where the enormous images of prominent individuals of the Confederate States of America are carved.
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| CSA's President Jefferson Davis and Generals Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson ride once more. |
In 1916 Gutzon Borglum was commissioned to create the monument, but he eventually abandoned the project to create Mount Rushmore. It wasn't until 1972 that the monument was finally completed. Much of the initial financing for Stone Mountain came from white supremacist sympathizers. And the second incarnation of the Ku Klux Klan got its start here in 1915. With its turbulent past, it wouldn't be surprising that Stone Mountain would not be the favorite destination among minorities. Needless to say, despite the thousands of visitors we saw in the park that day, only a small fraction were African American.
And that's a shame because there's so much more there for families to enjoy. Miles of trails circumventing or leading to the top of Stone Mountain were there for adults, kids, and even pet dogs to hike. There is also an old plantation, a grist mill, and a covered bridge that all date back to the 19th century. We chose the more modern attractions and purchased discounted twilight passes (for after 3 PM), thus saving a large chunk of change.
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| Artificial snow is created for the opening of Snow Mountain later in the year. |
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| The park is designed to project a rustic experience. |
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| During the month of October, Stone Mountain Park celebrates The Pumpkin Festival. |
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| He could lift more if his arms weren't made out of straw. |
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| The Geyser Towers are a good way to cool down on a sweltering day. |
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| Being chicken about heights, The Girl had a little trouble coming down. |
The Kids got to play on the mini version of the Sky Hike, an elevated obstacle course. The Wife and I passed on these activities, mainly because closed toe shoes are required and nobody sent us the memo.
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| Unlike the real Sky Hike... |
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| ...the lilliputian version does not require any safety ropes or harnesses. |
The Kids were also fascinated by the glass blowing demonstration.
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| Any craft that requires a blowtorch has gotta be cool. |
We did waste 40 minutes waiting for the scenic railroad train and another 30 minutes on the totally forgettable ride. We should have spent that time instead at the Yogi Bear 4-D movie or the Great Barn which has kids activities like trampolines, slides, and games.
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| A mock "old-timey" town that can be seen on the train ride. |
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| The Girl found the train ride very thrilling. |
As dusk was starting to settle in, we boarded the Skyride, a tram to the top of Stone Mountain. There are great, relaxing views of the surrounding forests and the skyline of Atlanta in the distance.
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| The tram is much faster than hiking the 1 mile trail up Stone Mountain. |
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| The view of Atlanta from atop of Stone Mountain. |
By the time we got back down off the rock it was already 7 PM. We decided to stay another hour for the laser light show. Being the cynical types that we are, we really hadn't planned on seeing it because it sounded cheesy. We were wrong; it was well worth it. Many folks had already staked out a spot on the lawns earlier that morning.
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| We were lucky to find a small patch of grass to lay out and have a picnic. |
The show covered themes such as the music of Georgia. There was an homage to James Brown, REM, Indigo Girls, and, of course, Charlie Daniel's The Devil Went Down To Georgia.
Moreover, the folks doing the laser light show do a good job of addressing Stone Mountain’s controversial past. They acknowledge its purpose as an monument to the Confederacy but make no glorification about the war or the misplaced Southern ideals. And intermingled with all these images are pictures of Jackie Robinson, Rosa Parks, and native son Martin Luther King Jr.--likely a nod to his I Have a Dream speech. Surely , over the last century, Stone Mountain has transcended its dark origins. And in the end, the laser light show capped off a great day spent with the family enjoying a beautiful day outdoors.
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| Amazing! They had the actual video footage of Civil War battles. |
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| The finale of the laser light show |
*****
Sunday, October 7, 2012
There are few things that can elicit as strong of a craving as cocaine will do to a junkie. For a kindergarten girl, American Girl is like crack. If The Girl sees an advertisement or picture of one of these dolls, her body gets jittery, her pupils become dilated, and her speech became rapid and incoherent--"I want that! Mine! Gimme!" Even saying the word "girl" a minute after uttering "American" produces the same response from her.
We drove for about half an hour to Alpharetta to the American Girl Boutique and Bistro. Although most of the shops at the adjoining mall had not opened yet, the American Girl store was buzzing with little ponytails and curls bouncing around in euphoria. On display in glass cases are different looking dolls adorned with their clothing and accessories which reveal their unique "personalities." Several of the little girls in the store were clutching at least two or three of these toys, ogling others for their parents to buy. There were also a couple brothers and dads (The Boy and I included) who stood there dumbfounded and bored as these diminutive packets of estrogen raced around the store.
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| Must have it... |
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| One of the nice things about American Girl is that kids can pick a doll that looks a lot like them. The Girl chose a blue-eyed, blonde-haired one. |
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| This doll sold her prominent display spot for $24 worth of cheap glass beads. Now she's tucked away in the corner. |
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| Granola girl loves nature, eats only vegetables, and doesn't shave her legs. |
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| The girl that did this to her only got a yellow card. |
There is even a “salon” where employees will clean the dolls of all the dirt, grime, and nasty substances that little girls will drag their toys into. The ladies will even style the doll’s hair into one of several different looks to choose from.
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| This area was so busy that you have to make appointment times for your child's doll. |
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| This doll's hairdo costs more than mine. |
Additionally, there is a restaurant attached to the shop where the dolls can dine with their owners. We had reservations for lunch, and The Girl was thrilled to finally be able to bring her dolls to the dining table.
As cheesy as the whole American Girl phenomenon is, it’s probably better off for girls than older products like Barbie. Mattel has long been criticized for the impossible body ratio with their Barbie’s. Their American Girl dolls definitely don’t look anorexic, maybe even a little chunky. Also, American Girl dolls come in various ethnicities and facial features which better promotes diversity and uniqueness. Interestingly, they do have some accessories (wheelchairs, crutches, and casts) which are designed to represent dolls with injuries They don’t go so far as to promote any dolls with permanent disabilities or handicaps, but it seems that they are possibly on that track for the future. So that leads to the question, if they come out with an amputee doll, will it be 25% cheaper?
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| That better be water. I'm not spending money for a doll to drink juice. |
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| It actually costs $14 to make your doll deaf! |
After our foray with the future brides of Chuckie, we headed over to the Discover Mills Mall on the eastern outskirts of Atlanta. I was stuck watching the kids at the toy stores, while The Wife shopped at the Neiman Marcus and Saks outlet stores.
When we met back up, The Wife excitedly exclaimed, “Guess what? I just saw a celebrity.”
Was it Ted Turner? Usher? Or perhaps Tyler Perry? I pondered.
“Who?” I inquired.
“I just saw Nene!”
“Who?”
“Nene!”
“Who!?!”
“Nene from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.”
I didn't know what is more depressing—that somebody from reality TV is considered a celebrity, or the fact that The Wife watches that abortion of a television show.
So why did we drive all the way out to this fairly lame mall? It has a Medieval Times. Anybody who has seen The Cable Guy knows the absurdity of this theme restaurant. Performers recreate the Middle ages, resplendent with kings, princesses, and knights.
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| In order to storm this castle, you have to take a right at the Nike Factory store. |
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| All of the armor on display is for sale. Prices range from $4K-8K. |
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| There's about an hour to kill between check-in and the start of the show. Guess where they want you to spend your time and money. |
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| The Kids pose with the royal heralds. |
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| In order to get knighted, you can either slay a dragon, or just pay a little extra money |
The audience was divided into one of six color-based teams. Our champion was the gallant Red Knight of Castille, with our noble allies the Yellow and Black-White knights. Seated across the performance area were the “enemy” colors. It was evident by just looking at those sections that those audience members were lying, jobless, filthy wife-beaters.
Dinner consisted of tomato soup, garlic bread, half of a roasted chicken, a BBQ rib, baked potato, and an apple turnover. Diners were expected to eat the “medieval” way—no utensils, just their hands. In breaking with tradition, though, they did not provide any dogs to wipe our greasy hands on.
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| Righteous members of the Red Team cheer on their honorable champion. |
The show includes acts of horsemanship, falconeering, and a tournament of the knights to determine the champion of the kingdom. This all culminated in jousting on horseback followed with melee combat to the “death.” Just like a sporting event, the crowd was encouraged to cheer loudly for their knight. The Boy really got into the spirit of things waving his red pennant and yelling at our dastardly opponents. The performers played up to the crowd giving out flowers to the females. The Girl even got a ribbon from our courageous knight representing the red team’s “Queen of love and beauty.” Our indefatigable knight progressed through the tournament to the final round. Sadly, our brave warrior was run through by the nefarious green knight. The Boy booed vehemently, so I kept a close eye on him lest he decide to throw something into the arena.
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| Those about to pretend to die, we salute you! |
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| Our serving wench also doubled as a performer in the show. |
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| The most important member of the show--ye royal pooper scooper. |
Yes the show is as authentic as Wrestlemania, but the performers certainly go to great lengths for their craft. You can tell that they have to practice hard on their fighting choreography. They swing pretty hard at each other with solid swords. Sparks will fly when iron strikes iron, and loud thuds cry out when shields block a morningstar. I’m sure that they are sacrificing the long-term health of their legs every time they feign a fall from a galloping horse. Although we didn't see Ferris Bueller face off against Ace Ventura, The Kids really had an enjoyable evening at Medieval Times. If they were a few years older, I suspect they wouldn't find it too amusing. But at least for now, it was a nice ending for a short vacation to Atlanta.
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